I Miss You...

This few days have been rainy days...and these are the days that gets me thinking of him..these are the days when i get lonely and long for you to be there..

So i'd like to dedicate this song I Miss You, by Hannah Montana, to my dearest and greatest, my dad...



This are the words that i long to tell you...

Lyrics:

Sha-la-la-la-la
Sha-la-la-la-la

You used to call me your angel
Said I was sent straight down from Heaven
You'd hold me close in your arms
I loved the way you felt so strong
I never wanted you to leave
I wanted you to stay here holding me!

I miss you, I miss your smile
And I still shed a tear every once and a while
And even though it's different now
Your still here somehow
My heart wont let you go, and I need you to know
I miss you, sha-la la la la, I miss you

You used to call me your dreamer
And now I'm livin' out my dream
Oh how I wish you could see
Everything that's happening for me
I'm thinking back on the past
It's true that time is flying by too fast!

I miss you, I miss your smile
And I still shed a tear every once and a while
And even though it's different now
Your still here somehow
My heart wont let you go, and I need you to know
I miss you, sha-la la la la, I miss you

I know your in a better place, (yeah)
But I wish that I could see your face (oh)
I know you are where you need to be
Even though it's not here with me

I miss you, I miss your smile
And I still shed a tear every once and a while
And even though it's different now
Your still here somehow
My heart wont let you go, and I need you to know
I miss you, sha-la la la la

I miss you, I miss your smile
And I still shed a tear every once and a while
And even though it's different now
Your still here somehow
My heart wont let you go, and I need you to know
I miss you, sha-la la la la, I miss you

Why?

Today, I was disappointed again..as usual by him...it is always him that manage to disappoint me the most..and it would always be him that can make me angry..make me care so much....but no matter how disappointed i was or how mad i was..i just dunno how to bring myself to hate him...its not that i don't want to but i just can't..

And when i just decided to ignore him..to forget him...no matter what i cant stay away from him..its been 4 years like that...no matter what i would always go back to him no matter how i tried to forget him...like what Edward says, "You're like a drug to me, like my own personal heroin. I just can't stay away."

Even at the beginning i know that i am really angry at him, but sooner or later i would just forgive him, just like that...why? Why can't i stay mad at him? Why can't i just forget him? Deep inside i know that he is not worth it to stay friends, but no matter what i just can't forget him..why?!

Could it really be true that maybe, just maybe that it was my fault and not his, or it is just me who is acting all childish...and i know it deep inside, so i can't truly be angry at him?..why is that?...i just don't understand! What is wrong with me!? Why can't i just forget about him and move on?! Sometimes i feel like if only i could erase all traces of him from my mind, i would be better off..use a machine to suck every pieces of him that is left in my mind right out, as if i never knew him at all...

Somebody help me, please!!

The sad and sorrowful little bird deep inside me, weeping and lost, trapped, unable to be free.

The Confusing Heart

Today, I felt confuse..as to how i really feel.. was it my fault of feeling that i was unwanted? uncared for? Or was it just me thinking too much?? He always give me these mixed feelings.. Sometimes made me feel special and sometimes made feel unwanted...feel unimportant..

Please tell me..what are these feelings? Which should i trust? Sometimes, no..most of the times, i feel like i'm alone.. my friends does not care for me as much as they cared for others. It feels like i always get the other end of the stick. Please tell me.. is it just me being selfish with my childish thoughts or is it true, that i always get leave behind..

So far in my life, i've never met a true friend who would be there for me always, who would sacrifice for me as much as i would for him/her..
A friend who i can trust and know that i can count on..i bet everyone in this planet wishes to have such a friend. I envy those who have already found such a friend..
A friend that you will always cherish in your heart..

If i have a friend like that..i would share all this with him/her..share everything...every part of my life as he/she would share her's/his...
For those who have such a friend.. please always cherish them and keep them close to your heart.. As they always say.. you'll never know what you have until you have lost them..

The sad and sorrowful little bird deep inside me, weeping and lost, trapped, unable to be free.

The Lost Flightless Bird....

This is a blog that i have made for myself to express my inner self and my problems that i cant normally express publicly...in here i have the freedom to say what ever i want whenever i want anonymously..

Now to start off...as i am anonymous to many people, i shall nickname myself as the flightless bird..i named myself after a song title by Iron & Wine, Flightless Bird, American Mouth. I chose my name from this song is because the song and the lyrics really reflects the true inner me, of the way feel mostly, recently..

So now...a talk of how i really feel now...as the same as the name of my blog...lost flightless bird...that is how i feel a lost, lonely bird unable to fly for freedom...all trapped deep inside...weeping as it tries to reach for the slightest of hope...
Ever since my father died, i felt so alone, felt so lost, felt so trapped. I was always wondering, why is that when i was small, i was so anxious every time when i get to have a family outing with just my mom, dad and i, even for just a short shopping trip, i would feel so happy, but now..i'm not even the least bit excited of going on a vacation with my mom. But today, i finally realized, i was so excited then was because my dad was there, my whole family was there, my family was complete, i was complete. But now, i've lost my dad and so does a big part of me went with him.

Ever since my dad died, i was unable to cry, because i always remember what my sister said on the day of my father's death, is to be strong and be there for my mom. I've always tried my hardest to hold in my tears, hold in my sorrow, hold in my sadness and so for the longest time, i dint cry, no matter how painful it was, or how sad i was..i held it in, i refuse to cry, for my mother's sake. And now, i have forgotten how to cry, i am unable to cry, no matter how sad or no matter how painful. Its been two years now since my dad died, and sometimes i still dont really believe he is gone, i just feel like he has gone to a long vacation to somewhere far far away. Sometimes i would think of that day, when the teacher came to my classroom to tell me the bad news, the pain strikes again like a sharp knife stabbed into the deepest end of my heart, but yet still..not a tear drop fell. The pain, the egony, the sorrow...and yet unable to cry about it, its unbarable..

The sad and sorrowful little bird deep inside me, weeping and lost, trapped, unable to be free.